Plans

You don't know how much it hurts when my Mom tells me to get my priorities straight. What am I supposed to say?
"Sorry, my priorities aren't grades and what college I'm going to. I'm more concerned with building my relationship with God, and doing His work on the earth, and loving others like He has loved me."
No. I just descend back into my own thoughts, and drown out the rest of her lecture on whatever I've been doing wrong. What would she say if I told her that I don't care about going to a good school and getting a well-paying job? What would she think of me if I told her I'd much rather be a missionary, than a doctor or a lawyer?

Radical, I know. But let me share a little bit about how I got to this point.

Before, I still didn't care about grades and school. But I knew I had to eventually. One look at the homeless people lining the streets of San Francisco on old family vacations let me know that I didn't want to be like them. Besides, I wanted things. I liked PS2 and computer games. Naturally, to support my habit, I needed money. And it helped that my parents would only let me play if I had good grades. So what little effort I put into school was for my parents. And in a way, my future.

Then, later, I got a spiritual view on life. I decided to take all that Christian stuff seriously. And it had profound effects on what I wanted to do in my future. If I was going to live for God, why strive for a high-paying job? It seemed selfish to me. And kind of pointless. A lot of time would be spent studying and working when it could be spent loving others and learning more about spirituality. Sure I could use the fact that I made a lot more money to donate to charities and the like. But I wouldn't have the time to personally go and help those in need. And maybe Jesus was being literal when he said to feed the poor, and give drink to the thirsty.

And, most importantly, I hated the idea of getting the life and comforts I wanted, only considering what God might want to do with my life after I've done so. It was like making my own plans, and fitting God around them.
But God is bigger than my plans. He cannot fit into someone's idea of how life should be. They can try, but they'll just be discouraged by the fact that it doesn't work. I refused to be like that.

But then there was a little voice inside me saying that I wasn't being selfless or Godly in wanting to do any of this, I just wanted an easy life and avoid working hard like everyone else. It told me that I was twisting God's words to my own desires. And I doubted myself.
But then I thought, when was the life of a missionary ever easy? I've heard stories, and they have it hard. Living in a foreign land, helping people even when they don't even have enough money to help themselves. Its enough to scare most people away from a life in missions.

Not me. I am pretty sure this is my calling. God put this passion in me, and I'm going to follow it. I just have to plan accordingly. I need practice doing this kind of work. Maybe some community service at the Village of Hope shelter that my church works with? I don't know. But I hope the fact that I posted this for everyone to see will keep me accountable. Not let me chicken out. Meanwhile I'll do well in school to keep my Mom happy. And one day I'll be brave enough to tell her where my priorities really are.