Vague

I'm lonely. These books are not my friends.
They say they're worth my time. I don't believe them.

No wonder this place feels so unfamiliar. This is where I used to live. This is how I used to live. It's so straightforward. So two dimensional. I'm afraid to touch these walls, they might fall down.

What if... we skipped studying this week? But not because I said so.
If God said so, could we do it?
Would we be willing to face our parent's wrath? To deal with our own disappointments?
Me? I'd be extrememly scared to do it. But people have died for Him.

I am not entitled to this. I am not entitled to my dignity, my sense of self worth, my free will. I am not entitled to the luxury of thinking for myself. Wow.. Life isn't a story about me.

Another scary thought. Could we think about God all the time?
Every thought made obedient to Christ, every action made for the sole purpose of pleasing Him?
It's pretty much impossible. It's hard to even try.
But did we ask Him to enter our hearts to make our lives easier?

It's so weird, this new life. It feels like I'm going backwards. Everything's so counter-productive. So alien. I look back and think, Is it too far to turn back?

I don't want to fight. I don't think I should.
What else can I do now? Might as well.