I started this blog on September 5, 2009, a couple days before school started. I had seen Amelia's, Jessica's, Alex's, Michael's, and Ingrid's blogs, and I was inspired enough to try it out for myself. When I made that first post, I had just finished reading Velvet Elvis, Blue Like Jazz, and Searching for God Knows What. They literally changed my life, and I began to view everything with a different perspective, comparing everything to a different standard. The page to a new chapter in my life had been turned, and I had to share what I had found. My blog became my crusade to try and enlighten the world to truths recently discovered.
Since then, I believe I've become burnt out. Not with ideas, but with my intentions, and the whole style of what I was doing. I watched as I became more and more showy of what I believed to be uncommon knowledge, and slowly realized how much time I spent thinking of the attention and acclamation I would get from my next post. I obsessed over followers, comments, and looking for new, attractive ideas to share. All of this built up, and I believe finally burst two days ago, on my previous post. That night I had been staring at a glaring computer screen for far too long, and I was listening to Radiohead's Kid A, some of the most gut-wrenching music ever to grace the presence of my eardrums. It got a lot more depressing than I originally planned, and fast.
Earlier that day I was at Aaron's house, and I heard about this one essay that Matt, our old Jr. High youth leader, suggested to him, called Weight of Glory. It was by C.S. Lewis, a man most famous for writing the Chronicles of Narnia series. So yesterday I looked it up online, and found the whole book it came from, in its entirety. After much difficulty focusing, I made my way through the dense forest of logic and wisdom that was Weight of Glory. And I don't think it was a coincidence that it contained somewhat of a response to my situation.
There is this desire within me. To work and have that work appreciated. I believe man was designed to be fulfilled in this way by God, who would, like a father to a son, be pleased with the child's accomplishments and reward him. Since the Fall of man, we have lost that direct connection with God. So I, as well as the rest of humanity, seek to satisfy this desire by appealing to other men and women. But it is hardly enough, because the praises of man fade away, and are paper-thin compared to those of an almighty God.
My frustration grew out of this desire, and its refusal to die even when fed compliments of many friends. But there was a very short moment, I had realized after reading C.S. Lewis, when the satisfaction I obtained from trying to please God and others was pure. With the humility of a child delighting in every pleasure he can offer his father. Like that of a pupil to a teacher, or like that of a creature to its Creator. It was a glimpse of how things ought to be, and eventually will be, when I am reunited with Christ, who will fulfill that desire as I serve Him wholly and sincerely. Jesus says that only the ones who change and become like children may enter the kingdom of heaven.
In this my passion was reignited, my sense of purpose in writing blogs reestablished. I now want to strive for that purity and child-like innocence that I had felt long ago. But I feel like I need a break. A change of pace. Everything about this blog reminds me of what used to be, how I used to think. Much like the books I read over the Summer of 2009 opened a new chapter of my life, I believe Weight of Glory has opened yet another. I will retire this blog, and start up a new one. But not soon. I think taking my time would do me some good. So with much nostalgia and sentimentalism, I will bid farewell to this very experimental and fun-filled blog. Everything here will remain for me and whoever else willing to read.
If only a fraction of the intended effect of what I have written is sent out, if only a single person benefits from what I had to share, I will be happy. It's kinda sad though, to see this part of my life go. Granted, it will return, but in a much different form. It's a symbolic farewell. And is sad nonetheless.
I'll talk to you guys later, in a different part of my walk through life. For now, I'll leave you with the closest thing I have to a catch phrase on this blog. Stay safe and don't die~
goodbye :[ (symbolically). hope you have a nice relaxing rest from blogging. and that you come back soon!
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