I don't think any of us know what we're doing. We're just desperately hoping the people that we're following do.
What is it that I'm doing here? Not here on this Earth, but here typing into a box on my computer screen, with the lame title I came up with in the top left corner. I could come up with a whole list of reasons for what I'm doing right now. I could quote my own blog post I wrote a while back. But... really? Is that really why?
Underneath this flowery shawl of good intentions lies something darker. I have this part of me, deep down inside, that needs you to validate me. If only you'll say that I'm smart or insightful or funny. Anything to set me apart from the blur of the rest of the world. I'll be better than them, if only you'd let me.
When I don't get that from you, I try to substitute it with my own judgments. I read what this person writes, hear what this person says, and I criticise every little thing as if in some way, finding their faults nullifies my own.
I see what someone else does, and claim to be their inspiration. They're just copying me, I started it. Like being first at something made me special.
Then I find something that I can reluctantly admit is better than mine. That's when I analyze ever little thing they do right, and try to use it myself. Maybe then people will like me.
I'm pretty sure that's why I'm here. Because I just want people to like me. I'll try my best to look humble. I'll try my hardest to look sincere. And, maybe I'll get a positive comment. One of my friends will come up to me and tell me he likes my blog. And it'll all pay off, won't it?
Sometimes I disgust myself.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
I think that's everyone's true purpose in writing blogs, or writing anything in general. under all the stuff saying how they want to improve themselves, to develop their own style, or whatever, deep down its just one way to show off or gain some sort of recognition.
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't feel bad about it if i were you. I don't think its a terribly selfish thing to do. You show whatever you have to the world around you.
^ agreed with the above comment.
ReplyDeletei often wonder why i blog, too.
at first it was a personal thing, just for myself to record certain events and occurrences
but soon i posted the link on facebook and...well things just went on from there.
and now i feel so pressured when i post because i feel like people will judge me on just one post. so it has to be insightful/funny/artistic.
(although this doesn't actually apply too much to my more recent stuff because i've been quite immature lately)
but i think you are too hard on yourself.
we all feel the need to be validated; it's just human nature.
and your posts actually are inspiring. to me, at least. i don't think that there's anything wrong with wanting to be recognized for your insight.
sakljflksdjf i don't really know what to say
the thoughts are there, but the words aren't. or rather, the words are, but my mind isn't functioning well enough right now to string them together.
but i really really really enjoy reading your blog and i hope you keep posting, selfish motivation or not.
(sorry this is all so jumbled; i hope my words came out right)